The date was... awkward, but interesting. I genuinely did have fun.

Yes, I'm calling it a date, because C has said it definitely is, so has T-Boy, and Seth, and finally, L, my colleague who is currently on maternity leave. I trust L's judgement because she has a good head on her shoulders and I had no idea what to do just now after work when I wandered around the shopping strip, so when L called, after spilling about something that went down at work, I confessed the whole thing. She laughed at me and told me to just go with the flow, and not shrink back.

Some days I can take a leaf out of Sex & The City - you can feel so confident and great about yourself when it comes to body image, but when a man gets involved, we turn into the most self-conscious creatures ever.

He picked me up at about a quarter to 7. He was running late but he had the decency to call. He stopped outside the house across from mine, so when I was walking down the drive I called out to him. I did hug him hello, and I think he kissed my cheek, but I couldn't reciprocate because, well, lip gloss? Shut up.

We then decided on Asian food. Introducing him to Chinatown was quite hilarious. I don't think he didn't even know it existed, yet he was put up in an apartment hotel nearby when he first got here. I ordered my comfort food at my favourite restaurant because I know they could never screw that up. It was so funny watching him wrestle with chopsticks, I called for a fork and spoon for him. Sadly, despite it having 2 of my favourite comfort dishes, I couldn't eat much.

We talked, getting to know each other. He talked about his family - 2nd, older sister and a younger brother and sister, who are twins. He asked how old my siblings were, and I just said, "23" over a mouthful of tofu, and he immediately got that they were twins, that was when he shared the twins in his family. I didn't talk as much about my family, considering how dysfunctional they are, but I did talk about the Malaysian education system - he seemed to think English was my second language since I was from Malaysia.

I had the chance to glance up at the clock, and it was ten past 8. We had a movie to catch! So I went up to the counter, and was able to get my purse out before he could pull his wallet up, and shove a 50 dollar note to the cashier. He said, "You're a nightmare." and I smiled. I could not, in good conscience, let him pay for the whole evening, as he already paid for the movie tickets and absolutely refused to tell me how much they cost!

We got to the cinema with about 20 minutes to spare. While he redeemed our tickets, I ran to the ladies. Only to discover I got me period and FOR THE FIRST TIME DID NOT CARRY ANY PADS WITH ME. I passed a sanitary napkin machine near the sinks, and discovered to my horror that they only took $2 coins. I only had $1 coins. I ran out, and he was holding a huge cup of Coke. I asked if he had a $2 coin, and he was just putting away the change, thankfully he had $2, but he wouldn't take the $1 coins I offered to him.

Yes. Shut up. He paid for a sanitary napkin. Not like he needs to know!

Got the pad on, felt a little more safe, so I went out and held the tickets and drink while he visited the men's. We chatted outside the cinema for a bit. He joked he had a bit of Sri Lankan in him and I damn near went into conniptions because seriously, WHAT ARE THE ODDS? Turned out he thinks so just because his grandfather was in the army and was based in Ceylon for a while. EPIC FAIL.

The cinema itself was crowded. The whole place was filled up for the new Bond movie. We talked a bit during the previews, and he mentioned that the movie Australia looked interesting.

On my other side was a very noisy, redneck-ish fellow so I was leaning slightly to his side, and my arm leaned on his on the armrest.

During the movie? Nothing. NADA. Seriously, at the very least a guy would try to take your hand, right? Then again, I am the last person to gauge how a first date should go.

He drove me home, again saying he might want to watch Australia. I gave a noncommittal response. When we pulled up my drive, I said thank you, it was really nice. And I held out my arms to hug him.

SO AWKWARD OKAY. We had no idea what went where, and I swear at one point I felt his breath on the side of my neck. I don't know if I moved like I wanted to kiss him (so badly) but we paused, face inches away, before we both pulled back. He asked that I email him tomorrow, and god knows what possessed me, I responded with, "Er, with what?" Said a final goodbye and got out the car.

Had a meltdown on the phone with T-Boy. His wife gave instructions to wait at least 12 hours before smsing him to say thank you, I had a good time and hope we could do it again sometime.

This morning, I went through my usual work motions, probably a little distracted. I was glad for the morning team meeting, which would kill off an hour and a half at least, of which then I could then sms to say thank you (because big brother may be reading your workmails). Seated in the meeting room, waiting for everyone else, I saw him exit the lifts and enter the glass doors next to the meeting room.

I don't know what possessed me, I lifted the sheaf of papers I had to my face, pretending to read it, and I sank slightly as well. God, I am so fucking repressed.

After the meeting I texted him. "Thank you for yesterday evening. I really enjoyed it, so thank you again and maybe we could do it again sometime."

The reply, "Well thanks for coming along with me, Bella. I had a nice time. We shall definitely have to do it again sometime."

I kept thinking, too vague, and I highly doubt he will ask me out again.

But in the afternoon, I suddenly got an email, asking what I was doing over the weekend. Unfortunately I have a very busy weekend so I told him so without going into too much detail and asked after his. Carina scolded me, saying I should have said nothing, maybe he wanted to hang out. I don't know. I was being very coy and not my direct self, I can't even describe it myself. I so badly wanted to ask if he wanted to have coffee on Saturday, but I held back. In my final email I told him to have a great weekend. That was it.

I'm so confused. I swore I wouldn't be like this again. Not again. Not after him. I know I can't go through that kind of hurt again. I just can't. I've closed myself off for so long I don't even know if I'm capable of caring for someone who isn't a friend or family. I'm not even sure what romantic love is anymore. I feel like I'm falling, but I don't know if I like this feeling very much.

Doesn't help that well, in my opinion anyway, I honestly think he's cute. And he was quite the gentleman, and so very sweet. I guess that SATC analogy comes into play here - what the hell was he doing asking me to dinner and a movie?

I sense a mopey weekend in between all the activity.

Listening to Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
Currently feeling confused

When I said I really don't want to get into matters of the heart, I MEANT IT.

Dear Heart, go away, leave me alone. I've got lots to do with my life and I don't need to be broken again. As I usually am when you get involved in such things. Have you not figured out already that I am not destined for the same things people come to expect in their own lives? Why have you not called on my Mind, who speaks, no, screams that this is irrational, that this will end, that this will again result in the same rubbish, different story?

Why have you not learned from happened almost four years ago? How long did it take you to get that idiot out of your system? How it is still a battle every time you watch your friend with him?

I am not destined for this. I am not fated for this. My Mind is prepared for the independence, the freedom, but my Heart will not listen. It quiets for a while, but it is never silenced forever. For now, my Mind is winning this current battle. I cannot risk everything just for amor.

That's for fairytales and movies.

 

Listening to Ween - Beacon Light
Currently feeling aggravated

I love my dad, I really do, but sometimes he behaves in the most asshole-like way, it's hard to even want to get along with him. Knowing how Bro#2 is, he still insists on treating him 'like a man', or something to that degree, when Bro#1 receives a slightly more gentle treatment because of his uncontrollable temper.

Has he not noticed Bro#2 has a temper too? He is angry, believing what he is doing in life is something our mother wants, so he hates it even as he follows through with it, without question, doing his very best. What does my dad do? Barge in screaming and yelling, at a time when Bro#2 is happy, jubilant even. He's doing okay, for the first time, he's optimistic, and the way dad speaks, it can be sharp, hurtful even if it's not meant to be.

From that, Bro#2 became angry, and he blurted out, "I won't fail like the cancer did."

Spoken in anger or not, I may not know, but I do know this. If my father had treated Bro #2 with more care rather than indifference (only because he knows he can take care of himself), perhaps Bro#2 would not have said something like this.

Listening to Marty Casey - Take Me Out
Currently feeling pissed off

Oh, Mig Ayesa, you are the perfect Galileo. See you again in 3 weeks!!

That's right, I'm off to Singapore to catch the tail end of the WWRY Singapore season.

I have wonderful friends who drag me along to these things. Friends who say, "We need our Cheerleading Vice Captain!!" Friends who help me remember that I am never alone, that they are always there for me despite the distance, and who will always include me wherever they can.

Listening to Mig Ayesa - Bohemian Rhapsody
Currently feeling happy

Today I woke up feeling really good, going to work and all despite the fact that 3/4 of the office is taking advantage of the holiday season and on annual leave. I got some stuff done, and then went home earlier than usual, considering there really wasn't anything going on.

I guess that's when things sort of spiralled downwards. My brother didn't do too well in a couple of his subjects this semester and he's really bummed out about it. He's enrolled in summer school (now see, even I wasn't that gung-ho while at uni) and wants to get the hard subjects out of the way. I did talk to him for a bit, as he was feeling really discouraged. I didn't want to tell him what to do and what not to do, but I do know my parents want him to finish his double major instead of dropping one.

A part of me wants him to carry on, because I know he can do it. All he needs is a little encouragement, self-confidence, and to learn to ask for help. Another part of me knows how hard it can be and perhaps just dropping one major would be okay, after all, it wasn't so long ago that I was very much like him.

After dinner I offered to sit with him to map a basic plan out, but he refused, getting frustrated and just a little bit angry. He said he didn't see the point of writing out a plan and he just wants to quit right now. I can see where he is coming from, but sometimes just writing it out, seeing it there and preparing yourself for the long haul would help.

I guess right now he needs to get the anger and frustration stage over with, and perhaps in a couple of days he will be fine. I believe that he can do this - he has one more year to graduation and it has always been the plan to finish in 2008, and I know he will. If he wants help I'm willing to provide it any way I can, including muddling through subjects I've never studied at uni before or as a sounding board.

Listening to Russell Watson - The Alchemist
Currently feeling sad